Crossed Lines
by juniper red
Summary: Lucifer calls Death into the world. What he gets is not exactly what he is expecting.  Essentially crack


Crossed Lines (aka The Wrong Death)

Disclaimer: Way too awesome to be mine. Try Terry Pratchett and Eric Kripke.

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><p>Castiel made a shushing motion and the two Winchesters blinked out. Somewhat surprisingly they would later regret having left so quickly. Because while Death was coming it appeared that Lucifer had forgotten to specify from where.<p>

The ground trembled with the force of Lucifer's voice and the sacrifice of demon souls. Mist sprang up from the ground and a great shadow pulled itself out of the night – a crack in the fabric of the evening.

"Hello, Death."

A bone white and impressively bony hand peeled the edges of the shadow back until it fell like a cloak around the looming gaunt shape. Lucifer grinned.

UMM… HELLO.

Lucifer's grin faltered a little. The presence, the appearance, the voice – like the thunder of surf on a beach with no sea – all this was as expected. The uncertainty was not.

"It is begun. The four riders are summoned and the world awaits the battle. And there are a great many steeped in darkness so… have at."

If Lucifer didn't know better he would have thought that Death shuffled. It was a little like watching a tornado be shy.

AH, YES. THE WAR. THE APOCALYPSE, RATHER. IF IT'S ALL THE SAME, I SHALL PASS.

"…What?"

For this, at least, the Winchesters should have stayed.

ON THE APOCALYPSE.

"No, I got that. But why? Your Brothers are waiting, the world is crying out for a change and we are the bringers…"

The air around Lucifer deepened, sparking bits of frost as he moved, painting his argument in the air. Death watched, head tilted slightly, looking something like an overfull coat stand tilted slightly off kilter (possibly due to the blue and green marble under one foot).

"…and the world will be made new."

…YOU HAVE QUITE STRANGE IDEAS ABOUT THE PROPER WAY OF THINGS.

Lucifer stared. It was getting harder to pull himself together and the grass was beginning to wither beneath his feet. "No more than you, apparently."

AH. YES. I HAD THE MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH A YOUNG ENGLISH SCOOLBOY… (1)

A twitchy bolt of lightning fried a nearby tree. With a deep breath, Lucifer smoothed the smile back onto his face.

"Your pardon, I think I summoned the wrong Death."

DEATH IS DEATH EVERYWHERE.

If black holes had surround sound, the effect might be somewhat similar. The shadows of Death's robe became for a moment solid enough to have weight and mass. (2)

Lucifer was not quite sure why he was on his knees but he was certain it had to do with his failing vessel. Clearly this body was deteriorating beyond proper use.

BESIDES. APOCALYPSES ARE NOT WHAT THEY USED TO BE.

If it was possible, the hood of the robe looked fondly chiding.

YOU SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION.

And that was it. The night shivered around the empty hillock and then went on its way, carrying the smell of decaying demon bodies. Lucifer watched the ashes of the lightning-struck tree drift to the ground and tried to remember when it had stopped burning. Of the many thoughts screaming in his head it was the least likely to poke holes in his skull.

Faintly on the breeze came the absence of a voice…

COME ALONG, BINKY. I HAVE SOME PEOPLE TO SEE ABOUT THESE HOURGLASSES. FAR TOO MANY BUMPS. (3)

Perhaps the Winchesters didn't miss out after all.

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><p>(1) Speaking of, he had been asked to check how many ice-cream flavors they had here, since the current Apocalypse was 'wicked' enough to start in America.<p>

(2) A rough estimate of their weight would put them at about the mass of a black hole. Unsurprisingly, no one had been able to actually measure them. Probably for the same reason no one ever got close enough to measure the mass of a black hole in person.

(3) A note for the curious: the Winchesters' hourglasses looked something like a snake that has swallowed several mice at intervals, or one of those chains made up of little beads that are theoretically easy to open but never do so when one needs to retrieve one's car keys.

Castiel's hourglass was shaped fairly normally but was prone to falling over for no apparent reason and then righting itself again, often facing a different way up.

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><p>AN: It just popped into my head when I saw the raising Death episode. Too much fun to resist. Hopefully I haven't completely shamed the wonders of Discworld with my portrayal. And I know Adam doesn't quite fit with Discworld, but, Apocalypse. He just had to be there.


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